I don’t want to be a mom anymore is a blog post I wrote during the postpartum period of my fifth baby. One day, I needed to write my feelings so I did. This is it. Unedited, raw, and never finished. There was never a plan to publish this to the public, however when I was writing my One Year Postpartum update, I decided that this should be included.
Just know, that if you are feeling this way, there is hope and healing coming. You can feel better and love being a mom again. Or for the first time.
I don’t want to be a mom anymore.
We don’t ever talk about it. It’s an unwritten rule that we just don’t speak about it.
For the most part, when we hear about women leaving their families, we think, “How?! How could anyone do that?” And then it happens. We start to get overwhelmed. Little by little, every day, a little more gets added to our bucket of overwhelmness. Then one day, we are driving by a gas station and we think it. Maybe I run in for something and use the back door and just go. Where would I go? California? Vegas? New York? The desert, there is nobody there is bother me. It would probably be quiet. That would be nice.
Now, no, I don’t plan on ever leaving my family. But am I starting to fantasize about it. Yep. And now, I feel even worse. I feel guilty. So much guilt.
More guilt on top of the guilt that I feel already for not being a good enough mom.
I lay in bed at night and think about how I will do better tomorrow. I won’t yell at my kids. I’ll talk them through their fits instead of telling them “that’s enough.” And then tomorrow comes. I don’t do better. I wake up in the morning with these great ambitions to be a mom that makes my children feel loved, safe, and maybe even has some fun with them. But by 10am, I have failed.
I am embarrassed about failing. I am embarrassed about having thoughts of running away. I am embarrassed about feeling the wide range of feelings that I feel in one day.
Dealing with my feelings, dealing with my kids feelings, and dealing with all things motherhood is just too much. Being a mom defines me, but it is also destroying me. The best blessings in life are the hardest.
Normally, I would call myself a happy person. Almost annoying really. But lately, my kids have been wearing me down.
Not just raising my kids. The laundry. The dishes. The sweeping. My husband needs help finding something. A family member needs something. There is ALWAYS SOMETHING. There is no rest. No rest for the weary.
I am a Christian. I KNOW the typical christian answer to all this. Pray. Pray more. Pray harder. Give your troubles to God. Lift up your struggles. I know. But seriously. What do you do when you feel like God is ignoring you. I mean, I know he hasn’t. My brain knows. But my heart doesn’t. I can’t pray harder anymore. And honestly, I don’t think I want to anymore. I have been praying about mom difficulties for 9 years. It just gets harder. I’ve brought that on myself by having 5 kids back to back though. At this point though, I don’t need God. I need a real change. I need a change that I can see. I’m sick of this crap where God is giving me trials to make me a better person.
Being a mom is hard.
You are not alone mom. If you need help, get searching for the right help. Especially if you have postpartum depression. One way is not the best for everyone. You got this mama.